Meeting her in the park with her dog
It’s all too easy. Throw yourself at her dog’s feet, shouting: “Nooo! It’s exactly like mine!”, then launch into a tear-jerking story about your own dog being hit by a lorry on the motorway – without, of course, explaining why it was there in the first place.
To show her that dogs love you, slip a hand into the jacket pocket where you’ve got some beef offal; get your fingers properly greasy and, when the dog starts licking your hand, reach into the other pocket, where you’ve put some raw onion, remembering that a dog is man’s best friend even if you’ve abandoned even your friends on the motorway.
Women like a man who’s sensitive, but also tough when needed, so as soon as she turns away, kick the first passing pit bull in the balls and, when it bites you, stroke it with indulgence and forgiveness – all whilst remembering to slip some stainless steel tubes under your trousers before leaving the house.
Two tips regarding dogs: firstly, find out about the breeds; saying, ‘I used to have a Dachshund just like that’, whilst stroking a St Bernard, runs the risk of being misunderstood; secondly, never ask if the dog bites; simply, without letting her see, before stroking it, grab one of its testicles with your other hand – don’t squeeze, just give it a few gentle tugs.
If, on the other hand, you have a dog too, it’s even easier – especially if it’s the opposite sex. But even if she has a male and so do you, you’ll have to say that yours is a female, whilst twirling the lead that belonged to the other dog hit on the motorway in front of your dog’s eyes; he’ll understand he has to keep quiet even if her dog tries to mount him.
The park and the animals are a great resource; some blokes have even managed to take their girlfriend home with them. But mind you, if you don’t have a dog, always leave a window open before going to the park, so that if she comes in and sees a cat, you can say it came in through the open window, that it isn’t yours, and throw it out of the window to avoid upsetting her dog – and, consequently, her. Ah, I almost forgot: if you’ve used the trick of putting offal in your jacket pocket to get her dog to lick your hand, even if she invites you to make love, never take off your jacket because she’ll eat it.